Monday, May 18, 2009
{ 2:03 AM }
I always thought that we have to fight for one's happiness...with out own efforts, with our own determination...
I know that there is a power called fate and destiny, but I thought that our determination transcends everything...
But they don't, they work hand in hand. Our determination applies and our fight is established once fate and destiny approves it...
Maybe its fate, you know.
Maybe, destiny says that it wasn't meant for us.
Because if one's happiness depends on our own efforts and strengths...
What's there left for fate and destiny?
I've been lying to myself all along, and I knew it.
I had to pretend I was okay. I was alright.
I had to say that he was a jerk, he sucks, he don't mean anything to me.
I knew this was not the case.
He meant everything to me, I guess.
And I can't let go, at least not as much as I think I did.
But I know that from today onwards, I've let go, once and for all.
I'm going to be honest with myself and face reality as it is.
Yes, I was crying like crazy and shutting myself in the toilet, emo-ing and looking mentally unstable for god knows how long.
But, I guess that's what I needed to be able to face the truth.
To cry it out loud and scream at the whole world.
No pain no gain.
What is keeping me from moving on, its not time, its not him.
Its me. I wasn't listening. I wasn't paying attention. I wasn't in the right mind.
Because I thought there was still hope.
But there's nothing left in the first place, nothing at all.
Because (quoted from rebecca) when one's mind takes over one's heart, one have to acknowledge that the love has died out.
I think it did for him.
But it wasn't for me.
But it will be. It has already, in fact, right at this moment when I'm finally coming out of my own illusional world of hope.
I think only a very few no. of people will understand how I feel. There's far too much mugger in this school to understand anything, HA! XD
Because the pain from this incident, has already proven that I have life inside me.
Too much life.
I don't think memories are to be forgotten. Memories are to be treasured.
Nobody says we can forget it. We shall treasure it.
Yeah, sure I'm not the most important person in his life.
But I think I'm a friend irreplaceable in his life I'm sure.
At least now I've more freedom and personality hahas.
I'm not burdened by anything and stuff. Yeah, its kinda cool.
I should'nt be like, "oh he's such a jerk" whenever anyone asked about him.
I should be "oh yeah, he's a good guy, but I don't think we're for each other"
I'm actually happy, to know that I'm no longer someone important in his life.
Because I don't think it breaks me down, it just helps me to let go and make me stronger.
I knew I had to do something to allow me to let go, I just didn't what is it.
Voila! He just solved it for me :) Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm carefree now :D.
Hahas, I don't think she'll allow him to read my blog, so, JUST SAYING U KNOW.
Guess that some people will be shocked with this crap I'm saying right now.
I'm multi-sided, just to let you guys know :D
At least there's no regrets.
At least he's with someone who can give him happiness and let him be himself.
At least I'm able to let go and move on :)
The pluses definitely outweigh the minuses.
Besides, my eyes are dry, it needs some moisture. Salty ones.
LOLS, come on people, tears of joy :D
I sincerely wish the best for him. Have your everlasting happiness :D
I will get to meet mine someday ahaha. There's definitely someone better and will be meant for me somewhere, it's just a matter of time.
I think, time is needed not to get over him, but to find that special someone of mine :)
Besides, the wounds I need to heal now is not only my heart, but my elbow, hip and feet too =.=
DAMN IT LAH, until now still damn pain like shyt ok. Wat the hell is going on, the elbow one in particular is getting worse and worse. Idiot shoes.
Lols that was so random.
I've to thank so many people today, who has been giving me the support and strength I need to move on.
Even if you've just listened, you listened with your heart, and I'm really grateful for it. Now you guys no longer need to worry for me, because I've already set myself free and unchained my heart :D
Thank you, my sister aijia, darren, genevieve, yeeying, rachelkoh, danica, rebecca and to all my friends who are giving me the encouragement I need :)
Because of fear of rumours and finger-pointings (WHICH IT ALWAYS HAPPENS FOR I DUNNO WHY =.=), I won't name the boys, but you all know who you are anyways =.= so thank you!
On 18th May, 2.30 am, xiia0manman has officially let go and starting anew :)
Oh btw, I CUT MY HAIR AHAHAHA :D what a good way to start afresh eh :D
